an argument over who raised a voice first always gets me a little emotional. it always surprises me when he shouts at me or shouts back at me during an argument that both of us know the reasons are immature and clearly do not deserve our time and energy.
and besides, I've never been shouted at by a man in my entire life. so it really does break my heart. and that's why i had my "first cry of the year"... same reason for the past 17 months.
this long distance relationship sometimes sucks especially when both of us are tired and we still want to end our day with a phone conversation seeking comfort from each other's voices. but unfortunately, the cold air of dawn gets into our tired heads pushing our warmth away.
what's worst... is he never let go of whatever we are fighting about. he is the type of person that wants everything to be done and over with at the very minute it started, while im the type of person that normally drops the argument and prefers to keep silent for a couple of minutes, breathe, and get back on the matter with a much cooler head.
often, (or always) I put down the phone or turn my cellphone off. DX would call me several times. sometimes, it reaches up to 20 missed calls before I'd answer the phone again. he does all the talking while i keep silent trying to figure out if it's smart to talk back, give up, or say sorry and laugh about it instead. but always, we end up saying sorry to each other, taking the blame, and start being sweet again.
i wonder if this is healthy. if this is the kind that would make us grow individually and as partners. if this will last.
so here's my analysis:
1. he shouts back at me because he has also never experienced being shouted at by a girl or anyone for that matter.
2. he wants (the argument) it done and over with right away because he is afraid to lose me. that i might end up breaking up with him.
3. i cry easily on matters like this because i can't take the fact that someone disagrees with me.
4. i feel this way because i still hate the fact that im in a long distance relationship. im disappointed because this is the second time i've been in this kind of relationship.
and why is he not giving up on me? he always say i've changed a lot since the first time we met, since the first two months we were together in Dumaguete. he even told me i have the most undesirable characteristics of a woman.
but why is he not giving up on me?... one time he said, it's something he can disregard, and that if he should count the times i've been the best girlfriend, it's like he has won the lottery.
honestly, there are times i think that this is not forever, that he's not the guy im going to spend the rest of my life with... but then again, who? who's the guy im going to be with forever? who am i going to marry and have children with?
should i wish for someone and something not there? I mean... if you think about it... he's the one person i have now, he's the one person i want to have phone conversation with at the end of the day, he's the one person i want to argue with because i know we'll be ok in no time.
this is just a matter of prayer i guess. if i want to, if we want to, this can be forever. faith.
if the card readers we both asked for predictions for the new year told us we can find other partners in life, that's just a card and the readers are just human. who knows, they don't have 20/20 vision.
note: this post is supposedly for DX only but because your my bestfriend and my maid of honor in the future, iapil tika ver.